All Bets are Off

Posted on: 03/07/2008 11:22

Last week I was home for Spring Break and I decided to continue my journey of coming out by telling my mom. She's always appeared to be very accepting of gay people, and has explicitly stated that she's pro-gay-marriage and believes that the church should shut up about the issue. So I felt pretty good going into it. Nervous, but good.

She didn't take it well. Basically, she acknowledges that I am who I am and that I can't change my orientation, but she thinks that me being gay is going to make my life and my family's life harder. She said that I'm going to be discriminated against in work, housing, etc, and that she doesn't want her friends or relatives to find out, lest she be the "parent of a gay teen." She actually said that she is okay with gay people, as long as they're not her son. She also doesn't want my dad or younger siblings to know.

So my goals of coming out are gone. I told her that I'd keep this all a secret so that it wouldn't hurt the family, and now I'm further in the closet than before. This is a huge heartbreak for me, and I've been really angry about it since returning to university. I've been meeting with a few counselors to figure out where to go from here, but I could use some prayer... lots of prayer.

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bygraceiam

Posted on: 03/07/2008 14:43

Hello aotn......God bless you..........

I will keep you in my prayers........

We are told to tell the Truth, and it will set us Free, but we must also face all the truth will reveal of ourselves and to others....I used God and ask Him for all the things I needed when I finally told the Truth about things in my life...It is not easy aotn, but facing our fears is what sets us free....Keep in the Lord and He will help you become Free and He will help you stay Free..........

Secrets keep us in Bondage....in Prision....make the choice to become Free........

Praise Jesus, He is the Truth,the Way , the Light
IJL:bg

Inukshuk

Posted on: 03/07/2008 14:59

aotn ~ Please, give your mom the gift of time to come to terms with all you have shared ~ As a mother, I know how hard it is to see our children struggle ~ give her some time and keep the lines of communication open ~ I will remember you in my prayers.

Tigerlilly2 (not verified)

Posted on: 03/07/2008 20:10

You'll be in my prayers.

franota

Posted on: 03/07/2008 23:13

aotn - don't give up. Sometimes it's easier to be accepting of something in the abstract, than when it's within our own family. It may take a while, and may require patience from you in helping your mother.

I know that if one of my sons were gay, it would change how I feel about him one iota. But I also know that my husband would have a much harder time. It's who he is, and all the history of his life and culture that he carries.

I will say prayers for you in this most difficult time - and for all your family too.

Fran

franota

Posted on: 03/07/2008 23:14

Oops, I meant to say it would NOT change how I feel about a son....

realmseer

Posted on: 03/08/2008 01:58

All I can think of to say is......

I am very sorry and I hope that with time this feeling of weightedness will come off of your shoulders aswell as your families shoulders and that you can all breath and find a better happiness together.

I will be thinking of you all.

Moderation

Posted on: 03/08/2008 03:53

yeah...I can't add too much to this.

but just know I'm ( we're ) here for you if you need anything, or just want to vent.

good luck, man.

Beloved

Posted on: 03/08/2008 11:38

My heart goes out to you aotn,

I agree with the other blog posters who suggested that you need to give your mom some time to deal with the information you have given her. As a mom there have been times when I have put expectations on my children and then been disappointed when they haven't been met. That is my problem, not theirs, I shouldn't have put my expectations for their lives on them in the first place - I am learning not to do this. Maybe your mom needs a bit of time to let go of the expectations she has placed on your life.

I agree with the other blog poster who said that it wouldn't make any difference to them if their child told them they were gay - it wouldn't make any difference to me either - they are my child - I love them unconditionally. But, like your mom, I would recognize that unfortunately in where society is today and where some people are today, that there would be difficulties for them ahead just because of their being honest about their sexuality.

Family secrets - one thing I've learned is that keeping a secret from some members in the family might not always be a wise thing to do (adult members, not necessarily children). Generally what happens is that someone in the family is keeping something a secret from another member and yet many on the outside fringe knows the secret. And eventually these members hear it from someone else. You have agreed to your mom to keep the secret at this time, but perhaps at some time you need to revisit this with her.

Thinking of you and wishing you hope, peace, joy, love,
Beloved

carolla

Posted on: 03/08/2008 16:23

Dear aotn - sounds like your mom's response was such a disappointment for you. It must be really hard. I'm glad you're talking to a counsellor about it - I think you're very wise in that regard.

I will surely hold you in my prayers, and hope that as your mom becomes accustomed to this idea that things will improve. You've been thinking about this for a long time. For her it's all new and she may take a while to catch up. C.

Pinga

Posted on: 03/08/2008 18:18

Aotn, i too hope for you, to be able to be true to yourself, but also give your mom some time. words said when in shock, or surprise, are not always the words one would say a week later, or a month later.

i am glad you have found someone to talk to about it.

i also wonder about your decision, based on her reaction, to go back into the closet further...i can't counsel you and do hope you are speaking to someone regarding that...

many years ago, i too had a situation, regarding speaking to my mother...and having almost the exact same reaction. It was about dating a man who was from Barbados, who was the first person i imagined ever spending my life with. The language was around mixed race, rather than same gender, but, the reaction was the same.

i have come to realize that my part in what followed was as much my fault in that i allowed my world to be impacted by her fears...

i hope you are surrounded by those who help you to be true to yourself.

blessings and prayers are with you this day

Punkins

Posted on: 03/08/2008 20:21

oh (((aotn))), I am so sorry to hear that this did not go well for you. I don't really have much in addition to add to what other people have already said here. Your mom may just need some time to process. I'm glad you are talking to some counselors too. I know it's hard, but please don't give up. I will be praying and thinking of you and your family.

DaisyJane

Posted on: 03/08/2008 22:02

aotn...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I agree with the others that it is good you have someone to talk to.

crazyheart

Posted on: 03/09/2008 19:24

You have my prayers aotn. You have us to talk to. Does your mom have anyone?

myst

Posted on: 03/12/2008 21:47

aotn - I am so sorry to know that your mother's reaction was hurtful. Your mom needs time, you need time to work through the hurt, confusion and disappointment. I am hopeful that you will not make decisions at this difficult time to stay in the closet and keep secrets. This is a set back for you. Surround yourself with those who you are open with and who can freely offer support right now. I am confident that you will come to a place of feeling more comfortable with your ongoing journey of coming out - with time. Give yourself that time. I am holding you in my thoughts and prayers aotn.