OK, this is my first blog, exciting! I don't know if anybody will ever read this, which right now feels fine. So, I'll get started...

I am a non believer who has been posting on a church run forum for nearly 4 years. Gosh, I'm not even sure if any other atheist here has been here that long.... I came here to share my views, and to find out what United Churchians are like, after meeting one while living in Canada's bible belt and receiving predudice and ostrasism from the locals there. I have often said how open minded, accepting and liberal I have found United Church members to be since joining to forum, and all to my surprise. I have mostly felt welcome here, and valued. And I have felt very gratified and important when I have been of value to someone else, when I have been able to impart a pearl of my own wisdom, and I have tried not to offend, though there have been moments where I have let out a wail of defiance and exasperation. I have made friends here, and had the pleasure of meeting some of them in person.

I have also had undercurrents of thought behind my presence here, and unlike those who openly profess it, I have not stated a desire to convert others to atheism. I have asserted my great and grave wish and deep need to be understood, and I think that ties in to a desire for others to join me on my side of the fence. At the same time I feel sad for a person loosing their religion, while I feel joy to have finaly gotten through to someone the sense of my own viewpoint. I don't think I fully accept others' views, and still after these 3 & 4/5 years, I don't understand belief in god. Though I do accept others' right to that belief. Yet still I have trouble keeping inside (and that's what this blog entry is for) that to me it's all wishful thinking or mistaken instinct.

I don't understand why someone would want to call it god, when they are talking about a universal unity, or the pulse of life in nature, except because of the influence of thier childhood training. Likewise I think agnosticism is the result of the influence of christianity at some point, usually during childhood, in someone's life. And I muse at the possibilities of religious belief in the absence of any outside influence.

It is my view that in the absence of training, a person becomes pagan, and makes up their own myths and gods. With the addition of all the other religions in the world and their various gods, I can't see how anyone could logically still believe that the one they were raised in is true. After all, there was no Jehova in human conciousness for most of history, by that I mean pre-history. It does not make sence to me. And I cannot choose to believe a thing just because it makes me feel good.

So now I shall further describe my views. I believe humans are animals, spirit is an illusion, and conciousness is temporary. I do not feel sad or unfullfilled by a lack of belief. I am not looking for religion. But at the same time I am not dissinterested in spirituality, and I find awe and fullfillment in the mysteries and realities of nature, and in the quest to wrap our brains around Everything.

I do however know a sad truth, that each of us is truly miniscule, and even when we are important to others, we are not the slightest bit important in the bigger picture. Another sad truth I know is that people are sheep. Most people do not even know how to think for themselves, let alone trying to. Worse is when people think they are thinking for themselves, when they are only following the paths laid out for them by others, including churches, media, corporations and politicians. However, this leads me to the thought that we are all connected, like a colony of ants, dependant on each other, and thinking with a hive mind, acting as one.

I also find that my thinking can go around in circles, which leaves me exhausted and quiet, as I feel that everyting that is possible exists in some universe or other, and that all discussion is pointless as every perspective can be right, therefore is irrelevant, and anyway what do I know?

How arrogant I must be to profess I know the nature of the universe, yet, it is utterly rediculous that any being we could possibly know of, created the universe, life on Earth, humankind, and then wrote a book about it. And so I believe agnosticim to be unfortunate, and belief to be delusional.

What's worse though is the idea that my views are guided by the devil to lead good christians astray. That is pure arrogance and fear, lack of self belief. And anyone who needs to bolster their belief by shunning me or pushing me away, feels fear at loosing their faith. I pity this, and feel compassion, while at the same time being angry about it and knowing it's not right.

And that leads back to the atheist's presence in the church run forum. There are some who would rather not have atheists here, and those who welcome us so long as we don't rock the boat, and others yet who welcome the honesty and challenge we provide, wanting their own religion to be steadfast by them, and this I applaud.

Which leads me back to my ability to accept christian perspectives. I still cringe at the mention of god's will, and talk about Christ. And I want logic to have it's rightful place. I do not seek the shedding of religion in others to bolster my non belief. I don't need that. I simply find it frustrating. I have tried very hard to accept and understand belief in god, and to thus be a better, nicer person. And I cannot tell if that has occured, as I was still very angry at the cathedral when the chaplain asked for a prayer over the loudspeaker, when she realized there was something amiss about the belief of one of the cathedral's visitors that day. I got the evil eye on my way out, and bought two green men at the gift shop, the pagan symbol of life in the forest and the cycles of nature.

People like her, still feel it is everyone's duty to be a good christian. I resent that. I am a free individual, I do not follow any religion, I dislike the idea of church at all. I am not a neo atheist though. I have never believed in god, and am not taken with the vehement swathe of militant atheism that has been sweeping the western world since 9/11. Though I do find it a breath of fresh air and a relief to be able to say it out loud now. However, I prefer the old fashioned atheism, the laid back, polite type, but with just a dash of outspokenness, and self defensiveness where needed.  And I prefer not to offend anyone, and not to be corrosive, and I have held back on much of the things I have just said in this blog.

Perhaps I have been dishonest being nice to you all, without disclosing the full extent of my frustrations. But if I was, it was so as not to offend. I have gotten a lot out of being here, not the least thing being simple companionship, so many shoulders to cry on, and info coming from outside which has brightened my days, and given me food for thought, and a source of chuckles while out in the world. So I don't think this is goodbye from Elanorgold.