So I sit here and wonder to myself all the time. not about anything majorly important but about things that I care about and things that don't really matter to anyone but me. its crazy cuz a lot times I just go into an endless rat thought about nothing but it makes you feel good at the same time.

did you know that I want that fairy tale kind of love? I know its impossible to find lol, I don't expect my BF to be able to pull it off either as I know he is not the most romantic person either. lol, okay that is an understatement he is not romantic at all, but I still love him, he and I may have some crazy stuff happen to us once and a while, but he's there, he's in my life and no matter how hard I try I can't get off that rollercoaster. its impossible. He cares about me, he loves me I know he does, I just get scared that the love I need from him won't always be there. the distance is great and my need for him goes stronger everyday. I can't explain it. I hate someday when I miss him like crazy. I know I have my life, I have my kids who I adore to peices and they totally fill that void of not having Jacob here with me all the time right now. I have my friends and family too and thank god for them. they mean so much to me its not even funny. everything is set and complete right now except for that one thing. I just wish there was a way to know that all this isn't wasted time either. someone to tell me, you know what? its all going to work out Mindy, just be patient a little long. it will be fine. its all good, you will have everything that you need you just need to bide your time. I wish I had that. I want everything, I need my Jake. why is that he has affected me so much anyway, its odd to think that.

I know I'm endlessly rambling, but its okay. i felt like typing something so here i am. I am happy. I really am. I miss him and wish right now I could just kiss him......lol....yup kiss him. oh well, I'm going there in april. that should be fun. I bought my ticket already and I'm going to fly to him and hug him huge and never let him go.

okay done for now! nighty night!