This is a letter I have written to find complete closure but I have no address to send it too and will not use anyone that I know as they already have been made to feel caught in the middle. I don't know what to do with it but feel the need to put it out there some how, so I hope that anyone reading it doesn't mind me using this site. (It is very long and personal, sorry)

Completing the Closure

What did you mean by "I waited till later"?:
Waited for what? I had no intention on coming that day to "talk to you". If you hadn't noticed, it was a wedding! It was not your wedding, so why would you think that I was there in any way for you. Also, it was you who asked me over to the corner so we could talk better. I had no intention to get into anything with you until that point. Yes I may have started the actually speaking with you because I felt a bit awkward standing outside with you in utter silence.

Why can we not share the same space?:
I have no problem interacting with strangers and I never expect them to all of a sudden think we are best buds because maybe we shared the dance floor, shared an elevator ride together etc"¦ or share a mutual friend. Personally I think you acted very immaturely at the wedding by "avoiding me".

Pictures!:
I also think that yours and your mothers actions where immature concerning picture taking. I am sorry but if you didn't want your picture taken, then you shouldn't have been a part of the wedding party!!! And if you for instance are assisting one of the flower girls to sign the quest book, who wouldn't want a pic of that? It was a nice wedding day moment, the "bridesmaid", helping the "flower girl", both with their beautiful dresses and perfect hair. It was a part of GINA AND CHRIS's wedding day. It had nothing to do with YOU personally, so get over it and yourself! And P.S., thanks for ruining that Kodak moment for Gina too, because no one else was getting a picture of that and I am sure that she would have cherished that picture!

Your family:
. Why would you be so up set because I was standing by "your family" with a camera? Ummm, last time I checked they are Gina's family too and again it was her wedding, not yours. Also again you where part of the wedding party along with the flower girl that was at "your" table, so you should have expected people to want to take pictures. Also these are people who where a big part of my life and we all had a relationship, and the last time I checked there was never any conflict between us. Early in the day I had had a wonderful chat with Kevin and Laura for instance and it had NOTHING to do with you!!! Not everything always is about you.

Me being upset:
To be honest I was completely fine up until I realized that you wouldn't allow me to capture any special wedding moments on either camera if it meant you would be in the shots. I realized then that you where basically forbidding me to fully enjoy the wedding of two people I love and whom obviously care about Chuck and I as they did invite us. Remember, they invited ALL OF US and we ALL had EVERY RIGHT to be there!!!
So yes, once I was upset about that, that ended up bringing up my emotions about other things, more so because it was a wedding and because of the things you did concerning mine, such as stringing me along with saying you would be my maid of honor. Also too once I was already sad with what was going on, I had to watch the bouquet throw. I had already prepared myself for this as I knew it would upset me as I had planned to not throw mine, but to give it to my best friend as a symbol of my hoping that she could one day be as happy as I was in my relationship with my husband and with all of my life. I think that if you had of just relaxed and simply enjoyed the real reason everyone was there, then no one would have gotten up set and our only memory of the day would have been the joyous and love filled wedding it's self. I will say though that yes, I am glad that you actually did decide to talk with me as it cleared up some things for both of us and I really appreciate you doing that out of the respect for the relationship that I had had with you. I am also only writing you this to officially clear up everything so that the closure is complete and we can both hopefully learn from the mistakes that we made with each other and never make another feel the way that we unintentionally have done.
Do yourself a favor for the well being of others; Next time you "think" there is something happening between you and someone else because you "think" they have meant this or that, ASK THEM AND DON'T ASSUME!!!!!! My God, how long have you let all of these assumptions sit and fester? Over a decade? And thank you ever so much for stringing me along all this same time too!!!!!!

You wondered why I wouldn't leave you alone, well maybe you shouldn't have kept telling me we where still friends then!!!.................................

What are you talking about when you say I kept showing up at your moms work? What does that have to do with you and me? I happen to like how she helps with my resume and I do like the help that the place on a whole has, so again, what does this have to do with you?!....

Me not being happy:
Besides how you have made me feel with all the mixed signals and no explanations, I am happy and actually have always been happy within myself. The only problem I have with me is how people see me for other then I am. This does hurt when people do not see me but I love my life and all that I have experienced because it has made me who I am and to be honest I have am pretty high on myself and am surprised you didn't see that. Sure I wouldn't mind a straighter nose and normal feet but other then that I like how I look, I like how I have an above average intelligence, have a wonderful sense of humor, dance pretty good, love live and look forward to what tomorrow might bring, care about humanity and have the hopes that one day all mankind can find a way to live peacefully together and that all people can find their smiles. So, just because when I was younger I didn't think that it was cool to be mushy, how does that somehow equals that I wasn't and am not happy?

Nemesis?:
I want to set the record straight cause I realize that you reaaaallllyyy have got this all wrong. Why you have taken this as something personal to you and negative is beyond me! Plus, that is not the wording that I had used. Also why you have focused on this all these years as everyone changes and grows! This was never about you but about what life has done to you. We share inadvertedly similar traumas and I seen what they where doing to you on the outside, how they where effecting your life and basically making you not be able to have one. Your struggles where not only on the inside but on the outside and it scared me to know that what was happening to you could easily happen to me if I didn't find a way to stop that from happening to me. I also knew that there was something else happening to you that you never told me about. I wondered what it was and because you never told me anything anymore by this time, I was left with being scared of this "unknown" demon. I was watching the love of my life slowly slip away and was terrified by how seemingly easy this unknown demon was doing this. I often ask myself that if this was happen to such a wonderful and big soul like you, how easy would it be to happen to me? I thought that you knew what I meant when I said that you where my greatest friend but my worst enemy. Why did you hold that in so long without knowing what I meant?

The dream:
Again this was something that really wasn't personal to you and I thought that you understood this. I only told you about the dream because the essence of it had rattled me so much and I didn't want you to take my unease that same day as personal. All said and done it was just a dream about my husband cheating on me and how JUST that would effect me if it had of been real. In the dream it was real and I ended up feeling all of those emotions and it was completely normal for those same feelings to have lasted after I woke up. I never thought that you where ever "after my man". Why would you do that, you aren't that kind of person! Sure some things that you did around Chuck I didn't like too much, but I would have not like them if they where someone else to. We all have moments of jealousy. We are human after all! Also did you ever think that perhaps the dream was just a symbol of my two love coming together in my life?

Did you ever really know anything about me?

Based off of your actions and the things that you have said to me, obviously no, you don't know anything about me and you never did. I feel sorry for you because you are so caught up in your own troubles that it is you that has missed out on having a good friend, not me. I hope one day you can look past your struggles long enough to see all the people that care about you and whom are here for you if you need them. You can still walk the world alone to find your own way but still have loved ones walk beside you or hold your hand at different times. Everyone needs to take their own journey alone but that doesn't mean that others cannot be there too sharing the same room. Ones path is a single one but everyone's paths cross sometimes and it is there that you exchange your journeys and doing so sometimes makes the path easier to walk alone cause then you'll know that others may not be sharing your own personal path, but they too are on the same journey, so in essence you are never alone.

In any good relationship there is OPEN COMMUNICATION. Please do this with your next relationships. When you close communication, it leads way to misunderstanding, miss conceptions and assumptions. If these things are left too long, they grow, fester and become things other then the truth and real reality. This is how good things are lost or never found. This is how people get hurt and lives get ruined. Also in any good relationship there is effort. Why is it that some peoples friendships or marriages last? It is because they make the effort to make it last. It is really hard sometimes and sometimes you just want to give up and throw in the towel but what would that leave you with? Live is a struggle and sometimes seems unfair but if you only focus on the bad things, then that is all you will ever see and you will never be able to be happy yourself or make anyone else happy.

I wish you luck on your journey.
A letter from one passing ship to another and hopefully from one person whom will be able to share a friend at the same time. (It has really hurt that I cannot go out with Gina just because you have decided to come to town. I hope one day that you can see that we can enjoy her together at the same time with no strings attached, example going out dancing. I hate it when she has to cancel our already made plans or feels caught in the middle and torn about wanting to hang out with both of us)

Kim