Another New Year's Eve...I've had a tradition for years of writing down hopes and dreams for the coming year, but this year it just feels so pointless. The lists have been the same for so long, but things haven't really changed. I haven't changed them. I feel like I'm even less likely to change them now than I ever was before.
Yes, I've checked a few things off the list over time. I found the courage to leave my hometown and move to take a teaching position and start my career. I got married and had a daughter. Those were probably the 3 biggest goals I had for myself, but there are other things that have always been part of what I'd like for my life and none of them are happening.
Although there are some external reasons that I haven't done some of these things, overall it's just me not doing them. Every year I'm just a little more tired than the last and I just don't want to make the effort, even though I know my life would be better if I moved forward, even just with one thing at a time. So now I'm here at 37, looking back and wishing I had done things when I was younger, like getting in to better shape THEN, when it would have been easier, or travelling more in my 20s when I didn't have responsibilities to limit me. Here I am at 37, looking towards another year and realizing that I probably won't do much on my list again because it's easier to sit at the computer or sleep instead. I'm sure it's partly just the winter blues (I do tend to get depressed in the winter) and partly knowing that my holidays are coming to an end, but I just feel blah, blah, blah.