Hi Busymom - it is the beginning, and its ok, but hard.  My group of friends changed entirely when I was 13, and I had a sense of being left out (I was) but also a sense of confidence that I wasn`t headed in the wrong direction.

What helped me was reconnecting with someone I`d not hung around with before who had the same interests as me - we were into Scouting, camping, etc, and had a blast while the popular ones were getting into drinking & partying & sex.  It was clear to me that `popular`was not a necessarily good thing.  Your girl is pretty smart (I know!) and she`s empathetic and will likely have a pretty mature idea of this in her head. 

My suggestion would be to nurture her particular interests (even if they are new & not same as before), and foster any relationship that seems to be promising.  Make sure she`s busy with activities that inspire her and that she`s got some growing responsibility and confidence whether its offering to help make supper at home, or picking up some groceries from the store for you, or assisting grandma with housecleaning.  Maybe talk to her teachers about helping her find activities she`s confident about.

By the way - the girl I started hanging out with is my best friend ever and I cherish our shared memories from our teens.  There were jerks around, but I didn`t care anymore, because I was confident &  having fun.

Your girl is terrific, and she`ll be ok, but maybe not the popular one.  Neither of you really want that. 

OH - and keep an eye on facebook.  I love how you have left notes on my daughter`s page, and she does too.  It is a great tool for keeping tabs on them, and I am very restrained about making comments, saving my rare comments for harmless jokes.  But then I can also say to her `get that comment off your page`or `Becca seems like she`s bugging you`, and we can chat about stuff.

 Ahhh girls!

How do catty girls grow up into supportive women.  It boggles the mind.

I think grade 6 and 7 are the toughest years for girls.  They mature differently and they suddenly become like barracuda; willing to kill and eat anything.

My daughter was tied to the hip with a girl and in grade 6/7 they suddenly no longer spoke.  In fact they never again became good friends.

I have a few suggestions that worked for us.

Get your daughter doing something new that will appeal to her.  Food bank, dance, drama club ( I think you live near Stratford?? and they have a great drama camp in the summer), camp far away in Algonquin. ( I like the Taylor Statten camps for the wilderness tripping) ...  Take a road trip just you and her and leave the boys to manage on their own( we drove to Banff and did a three day ride in the mountains together.

help her see the benefits of other girls.  Does she do sports?  music? who else does???

Have her line up a summer job; mothers helper, take the life guard program, pick fruit....

Help her see that she can reach out to a girl she doesn't currently "play" with.  

I sat down with my kids ( son had issues too) and discussed how it had been for me in school.  For example, in y highschool there were 2000 kids in 5 years.  400 in grade 9 with me.  approximately 25 I said hi to in the hall, about 6 i woudl feel comfortable sitting with in the cafeteria, about 4 that were good friends.  4 out of 400 is 1%.  It makes you see that in a class of 10 -- 20 girls it an be hard to find the one or two close friends.

The best thing for any girl is a out of school group where she meets kids that don't go to her school.  Dance, soccer, guides, ..........  TO help them see that there is more to life than the "in crowd"  Perhaps she will like the Springstein song about the highschool kids who never get beyond the accomplishments of highschool.

Groups of friends change.  When I went to junior high, very few of my friends from elementary school stayed my friends; I eventually got a new group.  Same thing happened with high school, and it'll happen again as I go into university next year

busymom - I have been thinking about you and your daughter - she is a lovely girl.  I remember her from Five Oaks and wishing that we had Granddaughter with us to meet her.  I also remember you telling us about her compassion for her grandmother when her grandfather died.  She is one great kid growing into one great teen, following in the footsteps of her mother.

I have thught about her situation.  It didn't apply to me; I was so far out of the loop in middle school that it never occured to me to even wish I was part of it.  But I think Seelergirl felt left out at that age.  She was shy, quiet and unassuming at that time.  I think middle school and high school were a difficult time for her.  She did better socially and academically at a small liberal arts university.

But I'm afraid Granddaughter might be on the other side.  She has always been in the thick of things, always had friends, and more invites to birthday parties and sleep overs than she could attend.   There was a group of about five girls in our neighbourhood who chummed together all through elementary school.  They always went to each others playdates and parties while others joined the group or dropped out off and on.  But by the time they were in the first year at middle school, I noticed that one girl (Anna) was left out - not in the group anymore.  She caught the bus at the same corner and Granddaughter and they chatted for a few minutes until the bus arrived.  But when they got to school Granddaughter would join her other friends and Anna would be ignored - probably tagging along somewhat but not really included - and she was dropped from the 'A' list for parties.

Seelergirl and I both talked to Granddaughter about this and she said that they just didn't seem to have anything in common any more, that Anna wasn't interested in the things they were.  She also mentioned that Anna was 'stuck-up' and 'stand-offish', and I told her that this might just be a perception they had, and that it might be a defense mechanism Anna was developing. 

I don't think Granddaughter was intentionally cruel.  She continued to talk to Anna on a one-to-one basis, and within a year she had moved away from this particular group from the neighbourhood and broadened her circle to others in the school, the cheerleading club, and her the kids in her dance group from all over the city.  Meanwhile, it seems that Anna found a nitch for herself in the band, and in track and field, and is somewhat a loner who enjoys her own company much of the time. 

Discovering who we are and what (and who) we like is part of growing up.  How many people have stayed really close friends with their elementary school companions?

For a variety of reasons I hated both public and high school.  They were not as many are wont to say "the best years of my life".  Nothing made me happier than to walk through those doors and leave it all behind.

Incredibly, I was told years later by several people - including some of the "popular" girls - they thought I was "cool".  Ah, so the trick is to be an introvert, be friendly with everybody - popular and not - and pray every day that you survive til graduation.

I thank my parents, my mother in particular, for my survival.  Although my mother would be the first to tell you that I gave her many sleepless nights;  they never let me forget that I was loved for who I am.  They constantly encouraged my explorations into adulthood regardless of whether, in their hearts, they thought I was on the right path.

In short, they had, and gave, faith to let me discover myself.  It was the best gift a parent could give.

As a parent I now realize it was the hardest of all gifts to give. I constantly struggle, even now that my baby is an "adult", with wanting to protect him from the cruelties of life (and his life has been cruel) but I know that I can not.  He, too, needs to develop that sense of faith and trust in himself and the only way he can is by discovering his own path.

LB

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

     Elizabeth Stone

 That rings a bell.

When my daughter and her "joined at the hip" friend broke up I was determined to "help"

One day at ballet rehearsal i cornered the two of them together and did the whole" you guys are too good friends to let something come between you"  thing.

BOth gave me that "yes mom" smile and walked away.  Waste of time, they never again became friends although over time they did speak occasionally when running into each other.

On the other hand, my daughter has had a wonderful friend, also from ballet not highschool, who has been a very close friend since she was 10.  Through thick and thin, through the other girl heading to university first, they are still great friends.

Don't worry too much busymom as people have said it's normal and sounds like she's taking it fine.

When I was in grade 8 there was a group of five our six of us who spent all our time together. We did EVERYTHING with one another. But between grade 8 and grade 9 we just stopped hanging out. I don't know why really it just happened. I was still close with one of the girls who has been my best friend since grade one (and still is) but the others just drifted away. After that I didn't really have a group of friends until grade 12. I had people that I hung out with when at school and in classes but no one I really hung out with otherwise. But in grade12 I just found the group of friends I'm still close with. Then in University I found another great group of friends and on my exchange this year I found another amazing group of people.

Give it time busymom, she'll find where she belongs :-)

It's hard to watch kids go through the heartaches, but remember - we've all been 13, we've all had to do it, and we've all survived. It's not the end of the world, and we can't shelter our kids forever - she needs to learn how to cope with loss, rejection, betrayal and all that stuff because it is a part of life.  

Whatever you do, don't get involved - that will just make busydaughter look even uncooler and any chance of being "in" will be lost. She'll manage, she'll cope, she'll make new friends.

Perhaps your focus should be on educating her about other stuff - drugs, sex, alcohol, peer pressure - so that when those friendship ties are broken and she sets out to make new friends, she knows how to watch out and choose wisely. 

Amen Diana.  I, too, believe my life began at 30.  I also think that it is beginning again now!

As I read the various posts about that crucial turning point in a teenager's life - leaving public school and entering high school - I was struck with the thought that perhaps it is at that crossroad each person begins to choose a path.

The child is no longer a child.  They are about to become adults - even if us parents balk at the idea.  They begin to assess what is valuable and not valuable in this journey; ideas, music, fashion, even people.

On the surface, the child appears to reject parental intervention because that would be a sign they are still a child and they desperately do not want to acknowledge that.  Yet, I believe, the values instilled by the parents, and other influential adults, play a significant role in the choices they make.  As Birthstone mentions, some of us may push the boundaries but there is always that bond that pulls us back.

I also believe that each of us will stand before many cross roads in our lives.  It maybe age related - my looming 50th is making me increasingly reflective - or a life changing encounter of either loss or new experience.  The road we choose will depend on where we came from and where we dream of going. 

I think it is important to give that budding grown up child this knowledge particularly that there will be many opportunities, many paths to explore and that if one does find oneself on a rocky road there will be an exit somewhere along the way.  They just need to keep their eyes and hearts open to find it.

LB

If I had influence with the good fairy who is supposed to preside over the christening of all children, I should ask that her gift to each child in the world be a sense of wonder so indestructible that it would last throughout life.

     Rachel Carson