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if.i.were.a.boy's picture

if.i.were.a.boy

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Father, please forgive me, for i have sinned...

I knew this girl who could finish a SUDUKO game in 3 minutes flat. She once tried to get me to play it when I was drunk, and speaking truthfully, I told her I was not as smart as I let on. She had a really great job, a nice car, and white teeth that emanated the most beautiful smile with only one dimple. I have met many girls since her, but none quite like her. She was kind, sweet, endearing and considerate. She came at a time in my life when all I wanted to do was flail, drink whiskey and numb the pain. I had no other care in the world because I was on a suicide mission. She did everything she could to show me love and acceptance, for the horrible person I portrayed, from my freshly squeezed past. I pulled every trick in the book with her. I cheated. I lied. I stole her heart and crushed it with cold contempt. Yet, She was not the one that hurt me. She did not deserve my backlash from a previous bad breakup. I see her periodically and I even say her name out loud (on accident). One thing that remains with me is the guilt I feel for being such an ungrateful prick! I realize she was only trying to help me get out of the hole I dug, standing by with a ladder and love in tow. That seems to be a trend. Or at the very least, a major character defect of mine. I sabotage my relationships! I fault find and believe that I cannot live up to this great expectation my partner may or may not have outlined. And then I find an excuse, an out, a fast exit to use, before shit hits the fan. This has happened to me more than once. It would appear that the genetics of my father run deep (he has a knack for running out on his baby's mama's, including mine). Am I destined to trifle in love and be trivial in commitment? Of course my dead beat dad would be a great scapegoat but not a realistic one. My cross to bear is all my past indecent behaviors and making amends to those I have affected. I want to make sense of it all. I want to be at peace. It is now my mission to seek atonement in any form I can get it. 

 

I knew this girl who could finish a SUDUKO game in 3 minutes flat.
I'll be lucky if I can find another girl like that.
 
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jon71's picture

jon71

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Do you ever see her? If so the next time you do talk to her. Give her a great big hug and a kiss on the cheek. Tell her everything you wrote here. Thank her for the love and acceptance she gave you and apologive for the bile and grief you gave her in return. I believe that GOD put her in your life becuase you really needed her.

You seem to be aware of the unhealthy actions you have taken in the past. That is only the past. You can CHOOSE to continue that or not. You are an intelligent being (irregardless of Sudoku time, a difficult one takes me 15 minutes, or longer) and you have the power to choose to do things the old way, or a new way. I get the impression that on numerous fronts you are choosing a new path and good for you. Btw. "the one that got away" for me was the prettiest blonde with a little curl in her hair, a dazzling smile and dimples. She was a sweetheart. Sadly we lost touch. A two year stint in Guatemala as a missionary ended our relationship (she left not me) although we saw each other once or twice after she got back it wasn't the same.

if.i.were.a.boy's picture

if.i.were.a.boy

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Just a couple of weeks ago I seen her at the local Walmart (we live in the same city). She was walking out holding a big box. I was sitting in my brother's truck waiting for him. I absent-mindedly called out her name. She looked in my direction and I shrunk to the size of a peanut in the front seat, for fear she might actually see me. Obviously I wasn't ready to seek forgiveness. Or I was just scared of what she might say. I know she hates me. And I don't blame her. Maybe one day the opportunity will come up again. And I hope to 'G' that I can say something. I hope she can understand how grateful I am to have had her in my life, at a time like that. If only.

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jon71 wrote:

Do you ever see her? If so the next time you do talk to her. Give her a great big hug and a kiss on the cheek. Tell her everything you wrote here. Thank her for the love and acceptance she gave you and apologive for the bile and grief you gave her in return. I believe that GOD put her in your life becuase you really needed her.

You seem to be aware of the unhealthy actions you have taken in the past. That is only the past. You can CHOOSE to continue that or not. You are an intelligent being (irregardless of Sudoku time, a difficult one takes me 15 minutes, or longer) and you have the power to choose to do things the old way, or a new way. I get the impression that on numerous fronts you are choosing a new path and good for you.

 

Well said, Jon. imho the best thing you've ever written on these forums.

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if.i.were.a.boy wrote:

Just a couple of weeks ago I seen her at the local Walmart (we live in the same city). She was walking out holding a big box. I was sitting in my brother's truck waiting for him. I absent-mindedly called out her name. She looked in my direction and I shrunk to the size of a peanut in the front seat, for fear she might actually see me. Obviously I wasn't ready to seek forgiveness. Or I was just scared of what she might say. I know she hates me. And I don't blame her. Maybe one day the opportunity will come up again. And I hope to 'G' that I can say something. I hope she can understand how grateful I am to have had her in my life, at a time like that. If only.

 

"Focus on giants -- you stumble. Focus on God -- your giants tumble." - Max Lucado.

 

Seems like this time around you focused on your giant (your guilt). What about next time?

dogorious's picture

dogorious

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If I were a Boy -- Welcome to the WC - you'll definitely have lots to learn here.

 

jon71 wrote:

Do you ever see her? If so the next time you do talk to her. Give her a great big hug and a kiss on the cheek. Tell her everything you wrote here. Thank her for the love and acceptance she gave you and apologive for the bile and grief you gave her in return. I believe that GOD put her in your life becuase you really needed her.

You seem to be aware of the unhealthy actions you have taken in the past. That is only the past. You can CHOOSE to continue that or not. You are an intelligent being  and you have the power to choose to do things the old way, or a new way. I get the impression that on numerous fronts you are choosing a new path and good for you.

I agree with Jon71 - if you can't say it write out - copy and past exactly what you wrote here and mail it to her. Do it anonymously if that is more comfortable for you.  Someday, you'll get your opportunity to do it face to face. It's not a solution but it is a start, well you've already started, that's pretty obvious.  However, don't beat yourself up to badly, we all make mistakes you are not alone, the problem is that it takes some of us much longer to get to where you  are already. Also, if you and her are meant to be don't worry that will come around as well, in its own way. 

 

Best of luck, please start by forgiving yourself first and put your best foot forward going forward.

Pinga's picture

Pinga

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Remember -- you don't know what that person is truly thinking.

 

I had a similair experience, where I hurt someone...when I was lashing out at others.

 

Many years later I reached out to them when I saw there name in the paper.  We had a great visit....and he was able to vent a bit about what occurred.  He needed to do that all the years later.  I was able to say, I was sorry.

 

We both paid for the consequences of holding the wall between us solid...in different ways.   It is too bad.

 

Learn from our mistakes, and take down the wall, if only to make it easier in your next relationship.

FlyingSky's picture

FlyingSky

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*hugs* I have a quote for you:

"The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise"                                                              ---- Alden Nowlan

I hope you can forgive your father and, most importantly, yourself. I'm sure God has.

                                                    

if.i.were.a.boy's picture

if.i.were.a.boy

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Jae wrote:

"Focus on giants -- you stumble. Focus on God -- your giants tumble." - Max Lucado.

Seems like this time around you focused on your giant (your guilt). What about next time?

I think now that I've recognized my "giant", I can deal with it more appropriately.Taking account for my actions is by far the hardest thing I have ever done! My pride led me astray. If I can't do it in person... I think I will have to follow dogorious' suggestion & mail   out a letter . At least then.. my conscience will be clear

 

As for my father, he is forgiven, but he makes a great example of "what not to do"!

 

ps. i'll keep this thread posted when i do make amends  

dogorious's picture

dogorious

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FlyingSky wrote:

"The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise"                                                              ---- Alden Nowlan

I like this, it speaks to time.

 

if.I.were.a.boy - you are definitely ahead of this.  I'm really taken by how strong of an individual you are, here you are telling strangers such a difficult thing, and yet your not confused by it, your tackling it head on.  Takes alot of inner strenght that is for sure.

Warped_Purity's picture

Warped_Purity

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Hello If.i.were.a.boy.

 

I used to always have problems with my relationships when I was younger, and eventually I realized it was always the same things happening over and over, so I know how you feel when you wonder if it's always going to be that way.  It's a habit, and habits can be broken.  The first step would be to take Jon71's advice and just make amends.  You say she hates you, but think of it this way; does anyone really like to hate?  Maybe it would be a good idea to apologize and just be friends, at least for a while.  It's really good that you're trying so hard to take responsibility.  It's definitely one of the hardest things to learn growing up, but it seems to me that you're almost all the way through it.  All it comes down to now is that last little jump, and the only way to do it is to go at it head first.

 

Best of luck to you :)

if.i.were.a.boy's picture

if.i.were.a.boy

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"It takes a strong person to be different." -Norma.

I did it. I made amends in the most rational, least scary way I could think of. I edited my original discussion entry & emailed it to her. It more or less asks for forgiveness. Now... I will just wait & see if she responds. Even if she doesn't... I will feel that much better knowing I did my part to start the healing.

*fingerscrossed*

jon71's picture

jon71

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if.i.were.a.boy wrote:

Just a couple of weeks ago I seen her at the local Walmart (we live in the same city). She was walking out holding a big box. I was sitting in my brother's truck waiting for him. I absent-mindedly called out her name. She looked in my direction and I shrunk to the size of a peanut in the front seat, for fear she might actually see me. Obviously I wasn't ready to seek forgiveness. Or I was just scared of what she might say. I know she hates me. And I don't blame her. Maybe one day the opportunity will come up again. And I hope to 'G' that I can say something. I hope she can understand how grateful I am to have had her in my life, at a time like that. If only.

 

I don't believe the person you described would be inclined to hate at all. That just doesn't match what you've said about her. I would anticipate forgiveness and maybe tears of joy. Also I think she will understand if you tell her all that you've told us. I'm very optimistic for you.

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if.i.were.a.boy wrote:

I think now that I've recognized my "giant", I can deal with it more appropriately.Taking account for my actions is by far the hardest thing I have ever done! My pride led me astray. If I can't do it in person... I think I will have to follow dogorious' suggestion & mail   out a letter . At least then.. my conscience will be clear

 

As for my father, he is forgiven, but he makes a great example of "what not to do"!

 

ps. i'll keep this thread posted when i do make amends  

 

That sounds great. It sounds like the right plan. Props to you for choosing new path. Please keep us posted.

if.i.were.a.boy's picture

if.i.were.a.boy

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*UPDATE*

 

I contacted my ex via facebook. I msgd her the aforementioned entry. I asked for her forgiveness. Well... she forgives me. She still wants nothing to do with me, but at least she forgives me, and at least I made amends. I really didn't expect her to respond, but she did, and I guess that is a good thing. It took her a week to write two little sentences. I feel she is obviously holding on to some resentment & bitterness, from what I know about her, she is a hard person to insult (but once you do there's no taking it back). I will still pray for her. At the same time, I will accept this forgiveness she has given me, and wish her all the best.

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if.i.were.a.boy wrote:

*UPDATE*

 

I contacted my ex via facebook. I msgd her the aforementioned entry. I asked for her forgiveness. Well... she forgives me. She still wants nothing to do with me, but at least she forgives me, and at least I made amends. I really didn't expect her to respond, but she did, and I guess that is a good thing. It took her a week to write two little sentences. I feel she is obviously holding on to some resentment & bitterness, from what I know about her, she is a hard person to insult (but once you do there's no taking it back). I will still pray for her. At the same time, I will accept this forgiveness she has given me, and wish her all the best.

 

Good for you! Wow, that's amazing. I'm so proud of you. It isn't easy to approach someone like that in facebook, by email, in person, over the phone, in any way. And what a wonderful thing that she offered her forgiveness. Now, you are right, there may well be some resentment and bitterness there on her end. Do keep praying for her. God, through time, heals many wounds.

jon71's picture

jon71

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That's wonderful. I hope you get the chance to talk in person but you took a huge step, and one that must have been so difficult. After we do wrong there are really only two things we can do, ask for forgivess and learn from it to not do the same thing again. You're done the first and I know you have the second well underway. I am happy for you and proud of you.

Warped_Purity's picture

Warped_Purity

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if.i.were.a.boy wrote:

*UPDATE*

 

I contacted my ex via facebook. I msgd her the aforementioned entry. I asked for her forgiveness. Well... she forgives me. She still wants nothing to do with me, but at least she forgives me, and at least I made amends. I really didn't expect her to respond, but she did, and I guess that is a good thing. It took her a week to write two little sentences. I feel she is obviously holding on to some resentment & bitterness, from what I know about her, she is a hard person to insult (but once you do there's no taking it back). I will still pray for her. At the same time, I will accept this forgiveness she has given me, and wish her all the best.

 

Definitely a step in the right direction!  I'm glad you're working up the courage to move on with your life :).  Things will probably never be the same as they were before, but if you really think about it, would you really want them to be?  Anyways, congrats again :)  If anything else comes up let us know!

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