I knew this girl who could finish a SUDUKO game in 3 minutes flat. She once tried to get me to play it when I was drunk, and speaking truthfully, I told her I was not as smart as I let on. She had a really great job, a nice car, and white teeth that emanated the most beautiful smile with only one dimple. I have met many girls since her, but none quite like her. She was kind, sweet, endearing and considerate. She came at a time in my life when all I wanted to do was flail, drink whiskey and numb the pain. I had no other care in the world because I was on a suicide mission. She did everything she could to show me love and acceptance, for the horrible person I portrayed, from my freshly squeezed past. I pulled every trick in the book with her. I cheated. I lied. I stole her heart and crushed it with cold contempt. Yet, She was not the one that hurt me. She did not deserve my backlash from a previous bad breakup. I see her periodically and I even say her name out loud (on accident). One thing that remains with me is the guilt I feel for being such an ungrateful prick! I realize she was only trying to help me get out of the hole I dug, standing by with a ladder and love in tow. That seems to be a trend. Or at the very least, a major character defect of mine. I sabotage my relationships! I fault find and believe that I cannot live up to this great expectation my partner may or may not have outlined. And then I find an excuse, an out, a fast exit to use, before shit hits the fan. This has happened to me more than once. It would appear that the genetics of my father run deep (he has a knack for running out on his baby's mama's, including mine). Am I destined to trifle in love and be trivial in commitment? Of course my dead beat dad would be a great scapegoat but not a realistic one. My cross to bear is all my past indecent behaviors and making amends to those I have affected. I want to make sense of it all. I want to be at peace. It is now my mission to seek atonement in any form I can get it.