I haven't experienced a marriage breakup but have had several long term relationships end before getting married.

  In my experience there was no 'normal.' One took about two years before I felt ready to really move on, another a couple of months and the other somewhere in between.   I've seen similar sorts of pattern with friends. Some seem to take longer, some not very long and at least one still hasn't been able to move on and it's been over five years. 

 I really think that the 'right time' is a very personal thing and the only one that really knows for sure if it's right is you.

  You're welcome. :) 

  Okay here's a 'moving on story' that I file under the 'you just never know and shouldn't be too judgemental' file.

  At one time I lived with several roommates. One of the guys broke up with a girlfriend that he'd had for two years.  A week later he met another woman. A week after that they started dating. Three weeks later they got married. Talk about moving on....

Well I and his other good friends thought he had lost his mind, well pretty much everyone thought he'd lost his mind and that he was suffering from severe rebound delusional thinking. This was in no way 'normal'. Was it?  His best friends tried to talk him out of it but no, he was adamant this was the one and they were getting married.  Once it became clear that it was going to happen we all were there for support and it was honestly one of the most amazing but small wedding that I've experienced.  It was very clear that they were deeply in love.  That was twelve years ago and last I heard they were still happily married and have a couple of kids.

 So yeah I guess you never really know.....

I tend to agree with you, KInst.  Maybe it's more about how much of yourself you invested in the relationship vs how long you were in it.

My last "real" relationship lasted only 11/2 years, but it took me longer to move forward.  In retrospect though, it was about more than losing that connection.  I was grieving for what we never had too.  The end of hoping there's a happy future for you and your ex as a couple.

jon - its true your previous relationships will always be part of you.  Whether you dated for a period of time, had a live-together relationship or were married - that other person becomes part of who you are.  But that doesn't mean that you can't move on.

I think the mistake many people make is to look for a partner or a meaningful relationship without looking for friendship first.  I would think the first step a person should make is to look for a friend (or friends) to spend time with, laugh with, go places with, share moments together.  Eventually you will find out if there are sparks developing and if the relationship is going to move on - if not you still have a friend.

My wife waited sixteen years between her first marriage and the time she was ready to date again. God blessed her by introducing her to me.

As for myself, I've only ever had one relationship. I married my first-ever girlfriend.

This is so true!  (It's almost as if people want to have another go at getting it right.)

Jensamember,

Here's some advice from an old gal who was widowed after being together for twenty years.

1. Know yourself - how can you seek out a compatible partner until you at least know your own values and ethics?

2. Know what you seek in a man. In my case, my Dad was the first man I loved, so he was my role model. But, much as I loved him, he had some obvious problems that made childhood difficult at times. In my younger years I was attracted to men like him, re somegirl's comment.

I was in my thirties when I met my husband. He had a lot of my Dad's good qualities, but not his problems. It wasn't love at first sight, more a friendship of shared interests and values. Ultimately, it became love, and he will always be a part of me. His death was my deepest pain, but I'm grateful to God for bringing my husband and our love into my life.

I wish you well. On a lighter note, I notice how thoughtful and conscientious you are in replying to others - you'll do well to look for such admirable qualities in a partner. 

Hi jensamember,

The end of a marriage is often compared to a death.

If that is so then it makes sense for people affected by the ending of a marriage time to reflect on what has happened and what they might have done differently.  It also gives them time to reflect on the dreams that were brought into the marriage and have been shattered by that marriage's failure.

Even if, all things considered, the end of a marriage is the best outcome for two individuals there is no reason to think such an end will be all smiles and laughs.  Time and energy were invested into a relationship and for some reason that investment failed to pay back.

Time to heal any wounds and time taken exploring what might have been done differently is a valuable opportunity to fix somethings that maybe we don't like about ourselves.

How long do you need to take?

Long enough not to repeat the same mistakes I guess.

Personally, I would probably take a year to do some self assessment and get to know who I am better.  Then at the end of the year I would start to see what life had to offer.  If life through something my way before the year was up I wouldn't push it away.

Clearly I wouldn't be hitting singles bars with the divorce papers in hand to prove I was available.

Grace and peace to you.

John

I too have been through the end of a marraige

Just as a question-Is your divorce final? If it is not yet-and yes that process takes awhile-Could that be the reason you are not yet ready to move on?

The state of limbo-not still married but not totally single-makes it hard to enter into other love realtionships.

Give it time.

 Jen, I once heard a psychologist say that a month out of the relationship for every year in the relationship is a working model, but of course that's variable. I have suggested to people in similar circumstances that they focus for a while on building relationships rather than looking for romance; often the romance comes from those relationships that are built.

As others have said - there is no "normal" waiting time. Much depends on your feelings prior to your "Ex" leaving. If things were bad for several years before the breakup you could move on sooner. But, if the leaving happened out of the blue, it will take much longer.

The real answer is to be comfortable with yourself first. Don't jump into a relationship out of desperation.

To others who are asking whether you are divorced or not - get real. You are obviously going to need to be divorced before you can remarry, but not before you start a new relationship.