What a story.  I agree.  It sounds like he is looking to fill a void and struggling to do so.

I don't think I have anything valuable to add to the discussion only to say that these stories seem more common than I initially thought.  My husband and I are in our early 40's and in the last two years we have watched the majority of our social circle separate.  There are a still some married couples left but it would be less than 50%.  In a camping group of five couples we are the only ones left married.  Sadly, all have children.  Some had affairs (again, more common than I would have thought), some shared that their marriages had been empty for years.  In all but one case we thought they were happy. It's very sad.

I agree that marriage is hard work.  I would think that all marriages have had rough patches.  Even patches where one wondered whether they might become one of the statistics.  Certainly we have had difficult patches.  What helps is that I honestly don't think the grass is greener anywhere else.  I think my own grass is pretty darn green!  I married a great guy and even though he drives me crazy at times I don't think I could ever find anyone better suited to me. I wonder if that is part of the breakdown of the marriage.  It gets rough and one looks out to the great beyond and thinks somewhere it might be better.

I have watched people very close to me go through similar situations to the one you describe.  I agree it seems that they are trying to fill some sort of void.  What I think they don't realize is that the emptiness is within them and only they can fill it, not another person.

I don't know why men are getting divorced and remarry- it might be different reasons than women. The women I know, including me, got divorced at a time, when prospect of hanging in there for another ten years or longer felt unbearable and just lead to depression.

Maybe people who have an affair think the grass is greener somewheres else- I don't have experience with that- I definitely didn't think so- I just wanted it to stop because it did not make any sense at all and was unhealthy for our son. Couseling did not bring anything, because my Ex's point of view was that the main problem was that I just need to be nicer to him. He did not take any responsibility for the situation.

I know now, what got my in this mess in the first place- I did not know him, when I married him, maybe a marriage prep couse would have helped open my eyes at that point and prevented our marriage, because we really weren't made for eachother.

I saw him as what he pretended to be and what I wanted him to be and ignored all the warning signs- he had no education, was unemployed (by choice to have more time for his hobbies), lived with his parents, was a messy, and had  debt- which I was way to eager to pay off from my savings to give us a "clean start".

Instead of in a partnership, we ended up in a parent-child relationship- with me being the taking-care- giver. How do you discuss issues with someone who agrees to everything? Of couse, his parenting "style"- was the same way- he wanted to please his son, be a playmate- but not set limits or shape him in anyway. I learned in couseling this was called "passive- aggressive". I also learned that he likely had ADD.

I could have worked with that and counseling, if he would have had any insight. But he didn't. That would have given me back a sense of respect for him. I also felt I did not want to have sex with someone anymore, who I don't respect and who I cannot communicate with.- As FishingDude suggests: you can have good sex with someone you don't even like- that might apply to some people, but not to me. Using sex to make up in conflicts - but not being able to talk about it- that just leave scars.

Just living together longterm without sex?- That was something my Ex could not imagine.

Our son turned 10- and the pre-puberty conflicts increased. The Ex could not stand conflicts. They are not to exist. My son and I tend to have heated conversations until the issue is resolved. I could not imaging parenting a teenager in one house together successfully. He needed consistency at least in one house. We separated with the help of a mediator and divorced within a year.

He moved to Alberta within 8 months.After telling his co-workers that his son is the most important thing in his life,go figure. He was only able to see himtwo weeks a year, because of that. It continued to hurt me, watching him make promises about visits and all the cool stuff they are going to do together- which then didn't happen. Now, 5 yrs later, his son has developed some insight through disappointment and gets only exited with caution. Financially, even after having to pay him half of the value of everything we owned- I finally get to save some money. (He never wanted to work full-time and he still doesn't).

Would I ever marry again? - probably not. I don't think I could afford another divorce.

I believe that biblically divorce is justifiable under only two conditions. The first is when infidelity has occured. The second is when a non-Christian spouse abandons his/her Christian partner.

How does your religion define love?

as to the origional situation in this thread, i agree with the statement that he is looking to fill some void with a relationship...  imho this guy is under the impression that he needs a wife to complete him somehow.  if you are looking for a person to complete you, then there isn't a person alive who will be able to fill that void... you have to be complete and satisfied in your own skin.  once you love yourself the way that you are, then finding and living with a partner for the rest of your life will become a reality.

thats my experience, anyways.  i have a few friends who have been through divorce, and in each instance it seemed to me that they felt that as soon as the first blush of love disappeared, as it always will do, that meant that they weren't in love with that person anymore.  and when someone else came along who gave them that whole 'weak in the knees - butterflies in the stomach' feeling, that seemed to be proof to them that they had made a mistake and so needed to get a divorce.

heck, i get that whole 'weak in the knees' feeling from other men occasionally myself.  that doesn't mean that my marriage was a mistake... it means that i'm a normal human heterosexual female. 

 Certainly sounds like this guy has a few issues.

Perhaps he is too bloody fussy to be married.

 Perhaps he has never learned the give and take that go into a long term relationship.

Perhaps he is afraid/unwilling to be alone and get to know himself.

Perhaps he has the attention span of a gnat and so only likes the chase and the challenge of winning a new love, but has no ability to actually grow with his new spouse.

I imagine that there are lots of people who give up too easily on marriage.  The grass is always greener.  Sadly they will work their butts off to woo a new spouse iinstead of putting all that energy into the current spouse.

I do believe that there are instances where divorce is the only viable option.  Sadly I think that those divorces aren't that common.  More common is the " this isn't what I signed on for so I'm outta here" type of divorce.

That's my understanding of what the Bible says. Of course, I also believe life is best lived in keeping with God's Word.

We agree that God would not want a person to stay in a situation in which they are being continually abused. However, in such a case I would recommend the couple seperate, not divorce, until the abuser receives appropriate counselling to learn how not to abuse, and the abused is ready to continue with the marriage.

I agree with much of what sigh and and lastpointe have suggested.  I do believe that there are marriages that can destroy one's soul (drugs, alcohol, abuse, infidelity, or as one poster pointed out, childlike behaviour that becomes impossible because it means you might be married to a child).  In those cases I do think that leaving is probably a healthy decision.  Life is to short and uncertain to remain shackled to someone and something that destroys your soul and does not hold the potential for happiness.

However, I also agree that I have seen many marriages fail because life got boring and some form of mid-life, existential crisis  set in. In those cases a bit of Jae's attitude of being committed to the overall institution of marriage is an excellent thing I would think.  It forces you to constructively work on the marriage even if you don't really want to.  I do think that some of the marriages I have watched crumble in the last few years (and in the early forties I have seen several, sadly) were a result of that.....That feeling of "someone else makes me feel alive again and this other guy/girl that has been there for 20+ years and doesn't.  I want butterflies in my stomach again.  I want to feel young and alive".  I get that.  It's just that I am not always convinced jumping ship was necessary and that the marriage could have been saved with two willing participants. It can be very sad to watch (speaking from very personal experience).

Abuse and assault for sure. Adultery can be worked on, but it depends on the circumstances. If it's just a case of compatibility or the marriage just running out of steam, I'd hope the couple would try counselling or other approaches before ending it.

The man in the OP sounds like a serial monogamist who believes it's important to be married but not necessarily to stay married. My only concern about the behaviour is what impact it has on his partners.

And jae, the attitude you express is one that has kept victims of domestic abuse in dangerous situations for years. If abuse, especially physical violence. is involved, the ability to get out and stay out is vital. No God that I would worship would force someone to stay in a situation where their lives and health are in danger. And counselling, from what I've read and seen, doesn't usually cut it in these cases and often delays a woman (and victims usually are women, though there are male victims, too) from making a clean break that is needed to save her life. Her life and health are more important than some abstract, religious notion of the unbreakability of the bond of marriage. If it makes you feel better, think of it as abandonment because the abuser very clearly does not really care about the abused, just treats them as a useful piece of property.

Mendalla

Well Jae ... if I may.....

One of my clients is a women's shelter ....

I have had to deal with very confidential data regarding abusive situations.

To any woman undergoing abuse I have one thing to say .... GET OUT!!!!!!

The stats are there ... counselling seldom works ...very very seldom.....

In my humble view ...... abuse is every bit as bad a adultery.

Adultery is being unfaithful to one's spouse ....to me abuse is a violent form of unfaithfulness.... it is being extremely unfaithful in the command to love your spouse.

Jae ...we disagree ..... I believe divorce is indeed necessary and biblically justified.

Especially with children .... I feel the abused woman has a duty to her children to break free.

My humble thoughts.....

Hugs

Rita

Biblically I do not believe that it is.

I divorced after some six years of marriage and two children. It was the biggest mistake I ever made. You cannoot divorce without it affecting the children. I visited them (from some considerable distance), and also spent summers with them. They turned out well. But I was irresponsible for leaving them.

i still remember the day, I was nine, when my father left to volunteer  for the navy, though he had two children and was over draft age.. Our relationship was never again the same.

Looking back, I think I divorced for the same reason my father jjoined the navy. I wanted freedom and adventure.

Since then, I've remarried, and have three more children. Nothing on earth would make me repeat the selfishness of my divorce. I shall always regret I was not the father I should have been.

Certainly, an abused person should divorce - and should take the children. But, otherwise, divorce should be out of the question where children are involved.

I left my son's father because he started doing crack and became abusive towards me and my son.    Addiction is the same as adultery in my mind.  The drug becomes an all consuming passion for the addict and family no longer matters.  In fact it is worse than adultery.  At least an adulterer may have some energy, feelings and care left for family.  It was a terrible experience. 

 Jae, sometimes in order for someone to leave they have to cut all ties, including getting divorced.  If someone needs to get a restraining order, I don't know how seriously the courts would take it if the couple is still legally married.  There are also problems with privileges that a spouse would have.  This  would allow stalking to be made easier and also leaves the victim more prone to financial problems (the spouse getting access to accounts, credit, etc).

If someone's spouse dies do you think it is wrong for them to remarry?  If not, why is it wrong if they are 'widowed' by an abusive partner that they must leave?

in a situation where one spouse is abusing the other, then i would suggest that the marriage covenant made before god is void, then, and that the abused spouse can walk away from the relationship.

biblically, there was never a marriage covenant, so there is no divorce needed.

Biblically, marriage was a contract of ownership, and so the property really would not have the option of divorce other than for what was contained in the contract.

However marriage today, even for most literalist Christians, is no longer an issue of property, so to say that a woman can leave a marriage for infidelity, but not for being beaten half to death, because the Bible doesn't allow for it, is to releagate women back to being property.

What one finds in the pages of the Bible can differ. It is why some denominations weigh in differently on divorce.

Some turn to Mark 10 and leave no room for divorce or only for adultery and some only for men.  Some turn to 1 Corinthians and make room for divorcing an unbeliever.

It does not say in the Bible that you should divorce a murderer or a child molestor, even if they have killed or are molesting your children.... The Bible does not say one can divorce for that, but it says one can if they quit believing and leave or if they cheat. Hmmm.... There are exceptions to no divorce and what they ought to be we should use our minds and our hearts and compassion and mercy to find.

The vows we use in marriage ceremonies are love, honour and respect. They are from Exodus 21 and if one reads it applies to a woman taken as a slave and made a wife. Food clothing and love was what the lowest on the totem pole  should get.

Now, when Jesus came he said he fulfilled law, did not abolish it. So, everyone, including Paul in 1 Corinthians7, knew what the law was when they wrote what they did. 

Jesus was not there to say no to divorce, he allowed it as Moses had. He spoke to those who said any old cause to get rid of a wife was good enough and Jesus said it was hard hearts that thought that. Would he say it was also hard hearts who bound her to a batterer or rapist?

I do not think God likes divorce, but divorces occur and the Bible has things talking about it.

If you turn to Malachi 2:16 and read "I hate divorce" says the LORD God of Israel  I invite you to read the very words it is followed by. It is followed by how much God hates violence.

For myself, abuse in a marriage (physical, verbal;, emotional, spiritual, sexual...) is unacceptable to God.

For me, the insitution, any institution whether it is marriage, church.... is not loved by God as much as the individuals. Rules are not as important as people, that (to me) is all Jesus lived and died teaching. Read Matthew 12:1-8 Mercy trumps laws. The letter of the law kills...

Marriage, as we know it, it is supposed to be about protection and well-being, a safe place to turn, intimate and loving... when it is none of those things, is it a God blessed marriage?

It says what we matter to God all over the place from Colossians 3:19 to 1 Peter 3:7 to Ephesians 5.... Everywhere our bodies and minds are the temples of God. They are not to be abused by ourselves. How would we assume they could be by another and that be ok with God?

Now, though I tend not look not at the letter of the law, but the spirit of it,  I have looked to things like 1Corinthians 3: 16-17 and 2 Corinthians 6: 16-17..

Now abandonment comes into it with the comments on non-believers, because of 1 Corinthians 7:15? Is it only about believing and not believing, or is it about physical abandonment? Could it be extended to abandoning the principles and promises, breaking the covenant?

For me, as someone lies in a crumpled heap I cannot envision anyone sane hearing the voice of God saying "stay". I can only hear "get out, now, child". 

Having been there as a domestic violence counsellour with many a woman who has cried about her beliefs on marriage and divorce and the Bible...  I have watched without a word (because we were not permitted to discuss religion) and I have seen, regardless of their denomination or even their faith practice, as their face changes as they have their revelation and they  hear the voice of God saying, "I love you and I love you more than any rules"... I have seen them wrestle with the idea of counselling and when it has not worked watched them as they hear the voice that says "somethings, my child, you cannot change" 

"The letter of the law kills"....

On divorce, we should listen to Jesus and not have a hard heart or turn only to what biblical law says is or is not permissable . Our hearts and minds on the issue should honour God and the spirit in which it was meant and honour and respect God's all of creations.

For me, no person should feel they must die or be beaten or raped or degraded to somehow please God. Nor should they be made to feel it by others who are working through their own biblical lessons....

They should not feel forever bound legally or spiritually  to someone who is dangerous to their body, heart or soul. God values them too much.

Thanks SG.

And you're basing that on which books, chapters, and verses of the Bible? Can you please identify even one solid reference.

In my own opinion, yes. However, I believe the Bible teaches she should not, so I will go with the Word of God over my own human thinking.

I believe he would first be sad that such an incident occured, and concerned for all involved. I think he would warn the woman to leave the dangerous situation. I believe he would assure all involved of his love for them. I believe that he would explain that God sees marriage as a sacred bond that he expects to be kept.

It's no fun if you take everything literally. I mean, there was the time when Jehovah bad-mouthed a neighbouring tribe, and told Israelists to killl them all without exception. So far, so good.

But some of those Israelites took good looking women as prisoners. So Jehovah got his knickers all in a twist. I mean, hey, it was only a few women.

Of course not. That's why I'm all in favor of separation under such circumstances. I've said that many many times now.

Yes, because I believe that in God's eyes said marriage covenant continues. The bond has not been broken.

That decision would be hers to make.

a husband is to love his wife as jesus loves his bride, the church.

i was married in the church.  in my vows before god and the faith community, i promised to love my husband, and he promised to love me, forsaking all others. 

if a man beats his wife, then he is not loving her as jesus does.  show me in the bible where jesus physically assaults and calls it love.

therefore, he lied before god when he made the covenant, and the covenant never existed.  the wife is free and clear, as she was lied to.

the point was made up thread that a married spouse will be on the hook for debts incured by a spouse, regardless of separation.

Perhaps not if legally separated, it might depend on the wording but definately if you are married and just not living together you could be taken to the cleaners.

Divorce is not great.  It is hard on everyone, even the person who wants it or needs it to escape.

I think there are many who need to divorce sadly there are many who are just serial marryers.